Frustrated

Ugh, sorry everyone but I really need to vent. I'm just so frustrated! We have a performance in Godley, TX on April 21st and there's a good chance the only practice on the actual barrel and horse I'll get for this shindig is spring break and maybe a boot camp a couple days or a week before we head out, so I've been working on choreographing my routine and practicing what I can here in The Ville.

First off, this is the first choreography I've EVER put together entirely by myself and I'm trying a lot of skills that I've never done before and are a lot harder than what I have done. I practice what I can on the ground but even if I can do something perfectly on the ground that doesn't move, doesn't mean I can do it on a barrel or a moving horse and unfortunately you won't know if you can until you try and either fall on your face or you don't. My biggest enemy at this point is my elbow stand. I really wanna use it and I keep trying to remind myself that I've been working on this move less than a week and it's slowly getting better but I still can't hold it very long and at least half the time can't get up at all and I'm just on the floor!

So needless to say, I'm feeling discouraged at this point and afraid I won't have this down concretely enough to practice it over spring break so my coach will let me do it, let alone have it performance-ready in 3 weeks.

It's just so frustrating that I bust my butt every day cross-training to stay in shape and practicing these moves until my body can't take it any more and I'm still barely keeping up. I mean yea, I know we're all different but it's infuriating that the other girls (except Chris but I'm not talking about her anyways) have been doing this as long as me (to the day) or less and they've got way cooler moves than me because they get to practice on the barrel at home most of them and at practice with our coach and horse once a week while I have to do everything myself without a barrel, horse, or a coach and with a body that is much harder to work with. I'm almost a decade older than these other girls (besides my two bffs) and they not only have a background in some sort of gymnastics, ballet, or tumbling, but their bodies are a lot younger and it's a lot easier for them to train flexibility than it is for those of us who have already developed all the way. I hate that I feel like I'm not training hard enough and want to keep going and pushing myself but am forced to quit because my body just gives out. I'm the type of person who wants to keep going and going and trying and trying until it's perfect but I can't because my body gets tired and things just go from bad to worse, leaving me even more frustrated and discouraged. I wonder if Megan Benjamin ever felt this way. I'm tempted to Facebook her and ask her but who am I to go bothering a world champion with my petty little problems? Why on earth would she take time out of her packed day to give some advice to someone she doesn't even know? One part of me reminds me that she seems to be a very kind, down-to-earth person and that the only way to find out is to ask but the other part is scared and all my life that's the part I've listened to.

It just feels like I always have all the odds stacked against me and no matter how I try, I'm clawing just to come out even with everyone else who don't work nearly as hard, take it nearly as seriously, or want or need it nearly as much as I do. I keep hoping that always being the underdog will make me a better person and that one day, because of all I've fought, I'll finally come out on top. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

New leos!

I still don't get my leo 'till Thursday but I did get Chris to send me a pic of hers and they all match so yea. Here they are and I think they're AWESOME!!!!!!!! :D